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In Your Language

Monday, 9 November 2015

How to Ask for Forgiveness in Ten Steps

Courtesy Mario Alberto Magallanes Trejo

The human experience is one that is filled with error, we are not perfect beings, quite far from it and at times the mistakes we make can destroy the trust we’ve built for our loved ones, whether that be a family member, a husband or wife, or a friend who has stuck with us through the best or the worst of times.
While the outcome cannot be determined to be favourable, what is certain is that these ten steps will start you on the way to being forgiven for what you‘ve done.

1.     Confess Your Error       

At times we tend to try to ignore our mistakes thinking that if we look away from it long enough it will eventually disappear.  This will never work. In order to admit your mistakes to the person or persons you have wronged, you first must be able to acknowledge it to yourself. This is not about duty either; a way to just get it over with and dismiss what the other person may have suffered because of it. Confessing you error is facing your mistake, taking full responsibility for it, accepting the consequences that it may bring, and then admitting it to those you’ve hurt.

2.     Be Sincere

Everyone makes mistakes, being a human being means you are not exempt from doing so, however it’s the way one approaches the admittance of an error can make or break the way the confession is received. Being cold and distant, prideful or egotistical will not score you points by any means. However, sincerity will, because despite the pain, and anger the other person may feel towards you whether they say it to you or not, they will respect your humility in leaving yourself vulnerable to be rejected for a wrongdoing. 

 Courtesy Michal Zacharzewski 2007

3.     Communicate Clearly

Leave no doubts in the message you are trying to convey, not only with the words you say but with your body language.  Don’t begin this important conversation with a closed off body language, like crossed arms or  not looking the person in the eyes. Keep your posture open, your face serious, and your heart above all else hopeful.

4.     Do Not Justify Yourself

Justifying your actions while asking for forgiveness is the worst thing you can possible do. It is not only dismissive of the other person’s feeling but tends to make you look like the only victim, in a situation where you were not. Do not make excuses for yourself, take responsibility and forge on ahead.

 Courtesy Alex Bruda 2011

5.     Prove Yourself to be Truthful

Words are all the rage, but action brings home the bacon. If you do not back your words up with tangible and verifiable acts that show you were indeed sincere when asking for forgiveness, you negate everything you said. Do not be that person, be better than that. If you said it, prove to  your loved that you are committing to rebuilding their trust in you.

6.     Accept the Consequences

The process of being forgiven is a not a short one, and during the actual admittance of wrong doing, you will be massacred with hateful words, and vile commentary that may upset you, but you will have to understand that these words will come from a place of sadness, and deep hurt. At times after the encounter is over, your loved one will treat you very differently, its best to expect this, accept this, then refer back to number 5 and prove to them that you can change.

Courtesy Anders Engelbol 2007

7.     Be Patient

At times we get ahead of ourselves and we think that since we were courageous enough to ask for forgiveness, we ought to be forgiven at the drop of a hat. It does not work this way, trust is easily broken but takes time to build mend. The worst thing you can do is try to force a person to forgive you when they are not yet emotionally, or mentally ready to do so. This is where waiting comes in. Give your loved one the time they deserve to think about the situation, and how they would like to handle it. In the meantime refer back to number 5.

8.     Take Action

The process of reflection and eventual forgiveness takes time but in the meantime begin your evolution into the type of person you want to be, not only for the other person but for your own well-being.  Your mistake need not define your future. If you persevere you can rise above it, never looking back or returning to it thereby proving to both your loved one and yourself that your words were meaningful after all. This is the most difficult step of all believe it or not, but in the end your actions after the fact will be both your judge and jury.

 Courtesy Ting Ting Koay 2004

9.     Renewing Contact

It is important not to go overboard on this one. Giving the person time is necessary but it also is necessary to ensure that your loved one is still aware that you are committed to a new start in the relationship. This does not by any means involves becoming clingy and overbearing but rather, careful, small steps should be taken to demonstrate your love and faithfulness to the relationship. The keyword here is sensitive baby like steps.

10.  Be Yourself

Lastly, don’t become a person who walks tiptoeing around their whole life because of mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s the way you handle them that proves at the end of the day the type of person you truly are and the person you hope to be someday. Never let your errors define you. Remind your loved one of the good qualities you have, be spontaneous, and natural. Be the best version of yourself, completely and sincerely.

I hope this article has helped someone to take the first steps towards renewing a relationship with someone they hurt. Remember forgiveness takes time, forgiveness for your wrong and your own forgiveness toward yourself.
Take care dears.
Remember to share this post and drop a comment below.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.

© Kehjrah Simone  2015

Saturday, 22 August 2015

The Benifits of Unforgiveness

Courtesy Bobby Dombrowski 2004

Forgiveness is a theme that has been spoken of many times.
It has been turned inside out, mulled upon, and deconstructed yet it remains a sensitive area to handle. The word itself invokes many a person to fortify a wall inside of themselves that is by far stronger in make than the Great Wall China, more rooted than the largest tree in the Amazon rainforest, and more harmful than any biological weapon that any country of this world can develop.

As a result of this, it seemed more reasonable to speak on unforgiveness, a term that lends itself continuously to a negative connotation and harsh criticisms because of the virtues of its counterpart.  As a result the unforgiving lifestyle has suffered as many gurus, ministers as well as psychologists, refuse to acknowledge that this decisive action too has its benefits.

1.  Unforgiveness allows you to be certain of yourself. 
You are certain that you hold a deeply seated dislike, hatred, or even loathing towards an individual whether he or she is aware of it or not, and no matter what that person says or does, you are sure that this person lacks the ability to change. Therefore, you are free to treat them as badly as you see fit, and are blameless when you do,  because no matter what, whatever vengeance you choose to exact will never be as bad as the person they are, or as evil as what they have done to you. This of course, may not be limited to one person, but many people in your life may fall within this bracket.

Courtesy Iuriatan Felipe Muniz 2006

2. Unforgiveness enables you to be strong

For the amount of suffering you may have endured during your lifetime, as long or as short as it may be, unforgiveness has provided you with resilience.  You don’t forget and you never pardon, and that has protected you from ever being weakened to the point that you would ever trust anyone again with your feelings, or your time. You’ve found it best to avoid people. If deciding to engage in interaction or relationship building of any kind, you always leave a wider room for error than others, because many people are just mistakes waiting to happen, or problem causers, hence,  by isolating, and protecting yourself from any possible attack, you’ve been able to stand strong despite the inevitable loneliness.

3. Since you never forget you always remember

Unforgiveness provides you with memories of circumstances, actions, words, and places, which you will hold on to for the rest of your life. You are able to conjure up a memory as if it was yesterday, at any hour of the day, or night.  Since you’ve become so good at this practice, sometimes without even meaning to, your mind allows a hurtful, bothersome, or painful item to resurface at any moment, reminding you that letting go can never be an option.

Courtesy Gabriella Fabri 2012

4. Unforgiveness does not discriminate

In this world where so many things are picked a part, separated and categorized. Unforgiveness is unique. It doesn’t care about the intensity of the offense, the circumstance, or the person/s in question. Unforgiveness is distributed equally amongst all offenders. You need not worry about whether it was hurtful words or actions. Unforgiveness will equally obliterate all transgressors in the same decisive and vengeful way.

5. The ability to pass on the lifestyle

The strength and veracity that unforgiveness has provided you with, has in turn enabled you to share the way you truly feel with those closest to you both knowingly and unknowingly, and has provided a way for the younger generation, whom you interact with or probably raise to observe the benefits of unforgiveness.  They in turn will be able to pass those learnt behavioural cues to their own children or loved ones as they grow, or as it were, back to you.
Courtesy Luis Flores 2005

6. Unforgiveness is the ultimate verification of perfection

Now this last benefit may sound strange, but when you consider it, it really isn’t. Unforgiveness allows you to be the ultimate judge and jury of a person’s actions, and in standing firm in it, it absolves your own need to form a part of the forgiven. This is because as an unforgiver, you will never need forgiveness; simply because you know with certainty you will never do or say anything similar to those you hold accountable for their own inexcusable actions. 

Unforgiveness absolves.

Courtesy Carlos J. de Jimenez

Of course to understand these six important benefits it is important that one keeps an open mind, and admittedly, in order to write this, that is exactly what I had to do, being a forgiven person myself, and also an activist of forgiveness. 

However, in life I have learnt that in certain circumstances in order to be truly mindful, it is important to understand the motivation and angles of any given behavior or lifestyle.  Hopefully, this will enlighten many as it has my own mind, on the benefits of unforgiveness.

What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below.

© Kehjrah Simone  2015